Lately, I’ve been forced to take a step back. To slow down. Some of it is health related. Some of it is just simply feeling the need to be more present with my husband and my boys.
It feels out of character for me. I’m a “yes” girl. I don’t feel obligated to say yes to everything, I really do want to say yes to everything. And for awhile I think that I can and it will all be okay and nothing will suffer. But something always does.
I recently stepped away from a commitment without finishing it out (which I pride myself on NOT doing) because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was suffering physically, emotionally, and mentally. And so was my family.
I don’t know when I somehow got the idea that God only values me for what I do. That He only values me, I’m only honoring Him, when I’m actively serving and worshiping in tangible ways. Worship is a verb. I can’t possibly worship when I’m not doing.
I’m learning something these days. It’s a slow process, and I always thought I was a quick learner, a good student. It’s taking time. God is constantly putting limits on what I can actually physically do so that He can have my full attention.
But here’s the painful, glorious, life-changing lesson I’m learning: my worship means no less to God coming from a broken, contrite, exhausted heart that is just too weary to say yes right now than it did before. In fact, maybe it means a little bit more.
Because I have to trust that these limitations are for my good. When I worship these days, it’s not coming from someone who can’t help but praise Him because life has turned out the way that I dreamed and hoped and I feel amazing. No, these days my worship is coming from a place of hope and trust that my God is a redeemer. A healer. And that even on my worst days, He still wants me. He still calls me His daughter. And He can still use me.
Sometimes worship isn’t a verb. Sometimes worship is just being still.
Waiting. Hoping. Trusting.
And if you find yourself in that place with me, know that being still is all that God requires of you right now. I have hope for rest and for the days when I can say yes again with all my heart to the things He has laid out for me.
Today is not that day. So today, I will be still.
I will be still, and know that He is God.