Ugly Grace

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Ugly. Right now I’m in a season of ugly. Not to worry, my self image is completely in tact, it’s the rest of me that’s ugly.

My words are ugly. I’m harsh. Sure I can mask it as “being direct” or “speaking the truth” or “guiding my children” but really, it’s just harsh.

My actions are ugly. They are controlling. Of course I have called them “efficient” and “structured” but really, I’m just trying to be in charge.

My thoughts are ugly. Judgmental would be more precise. Under the label of “my opinion” and “the right way to do things” it almost appears nonchalant or worse yet, helpful.

“Feel the slip and the grip of grace again.”

How did I get here? How did I so quickly lose my grip on grace? Again.

I wish I could say it was all the recent long days with my son or the too busy week home with my husband or that it’s just this season of having little kids constantly at my feet.

It’s not.

Grace, the kind we extend to each other, it’s a choice. Yet, it comes from a place beyond ourselves.

Grace comes from the heart but not just any heart, it comes from the heart that is soft and tender.

How did I get here? I let me heart start to harden. I bought into a selfish view of life where I was the main character. I began to see myself as a victim of circumstance instead of a person created and equipped. It was easier to choose giving up over giving in.

Grace. I have felt it slipping and yet slowly, as I see my heart and life for what it really is, I feel its grip all over again.

To my friends, please forgive me, you are a welcome grace and dearly loved even if my words and actions have seemed otherwise.

To my children, my being the mom is not a license to be harsh, I’m sorry.

To my husband, thank you for being grace, especially when I am not.

Right now I’m in a season of ugly and yet I feel the grip of grace.

Hope amidst the hopelessness, this is grace defined.

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Linking up with Unforced Rhythms

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8 thoughts on “Ugly Grace

  1. I’m there too my friend! Tired from newborn nights and still the busy days with my 3 other kids…it leads to lots of yelling on my end and my 3 oldest just getting the horrible leftovers, not to mention what my husband gets these days from me. Thankful the hubby is so patient and understanding, but the poor kids just don’t understand why I am always crabby and upset with them. Lack of sleep is never a good combo with kids just being kids because I only see it as loud and crazy. I wish we lived closer so we could hash out all these hard moments over coffee and bring ourselves back to the truth when everything seems so foggy. Sending you hugs!

    1. Oh me too! Isn’t it amazing how the journey and the juggle of mothering brings about hard days and how a good cup of coffee and a friend can make it all seem doable. Sending prayers for rest and refreshment, I’ll drink my morning cup of coffee and think of you and your littles tomorrow.

  2. I get this, the seasons of ugly – and don’t we all? But not as many of us have the courage to face it with such honesty. Ans so, the irony in it all, is that the beauty of grace filters through this ugly with greater intensity. Thank you.

  3. Your transparency is so refreshing! As you work to offer others more grace, don’t forget to offer yourself that same grace. Look at this as an opportunity to become better friends with God…the One and Only who can soften the hardest of hearts.

  4. Thank God we are offered grace even when we are ugly and ungraceful. Thank you for being so transparent and sharing your heart.

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