Ugly. Right now I’m in a season of ugly. Not to worry, my self image is completely in tact, it’s the rest of me that’s ugly.
My words are ugly. I’m harsh. Sure I can mask it as “being direct” or “speaking the truth” or “guiding my children” but really, it’s just harsh.
My actions are ugly. They are controlling. Of course I have called them “efficient” and “structured” but really, I’m just trying to be in charge.
My thoughts are ugly. Judgmental would be more precise. Under the label of “my opinion” and “the right way to do things” it almost appears nonchalant or worse yet, helpful.
How did I get here? How did I so quickly lose my grip on grace? Again.
I wish I could say it was all the recent long days with my son or the too busy week home with my husband or that it’s just this season of having little kids constantly at my feet.
Grace, the kind we extend to each other, it’s a choice. Yet, it comes from a place beyond ourselves.
Grace comes from the heart but not just any heart, it comes from the heart that is soft and tender.
How did I get here? I let me heart start to harden. I bought into a selfish view of life where I was the main character. I began to see myself as a victim of circumstance instead of a person created and equipped. It was easier to choose giving up over giving in.
Grace. I have felt it slipping and yet slowly, as I see my heart and life for what it really is, I feel its grip all over again.
To my friends, please forgive me, you are a welcome grace and dearly loved even if my words and actions have seemed otherwise.
To my children, my being the mom is not a license to be harsh, I’m sorry.
To my husband, thank you for being grace, especially when I am not.
Right now I’m in a season of ugly and yet I feel the grip of grace.
Hope amidst the hopelessness, this is grace defined.