(31 Days) A Difficult Mind: Day 20, Trust

I’ve joined the 31 Day Blogging Challenge…31 Days of exploring what it means to live with a neurodiverse child. #write31days

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Trust requires a huge amount of bravery.

By nature, I am a high risk taker and discerningly trusting in a lot of situations. I think it is okay if things are hard and if we really want to love well there are parts of ourselves and our lives that we entrust to others.

This is well and good as it applies to me personally. When I first became a parent I had very little fear of leaving my son with people we trusted or taking him places, like school, where another adult was in charge.

Then I went through a phase where I was terrified. I trusted no one.

No one could take care of my son like I could. No one knew what he needed like I did. No one could help him and comfort him in the same way I did.

Some of this distrust grew out of experience. I’ve been called home more than once by a babysitter because my son can’t be managed. I’ve seen teachers react to my son inappropriately, even after I’ve tried to gently explain where he is in his development. After an intense season of this I just gave up. Why trust people when it all comes back to me anyway?

If you want to isolate people, stop trusting them. Stop trusting that they love you enough to care. Stop trusting that they really want to help. Stop trusting that they might have some life experience or skill to offer.

At the point I stopped trusting I started drowning.

I carried the burden of my son alone. I wasn’t comfortable leaving him with a babysitter, even family. I was skeptical of teachers and took great pains to be overly involved. I said no to a lot of personal opportunities because I didn’t trust people to care enough about me. And then I was alone.

I still knew people and waved hello and seemed social and involved. But no one was being let in and I was not letting myself out.

We as humans were created to be in relationships with one another. We are meant to love, encourage, support, give, build up and hold accountable. In relationships we are reminded how deep and wide love really is and how amazing grace appears.

So I took baby steps back into trusting.

I started with my husband. We talked, we made a plan, I let him in and let go. He has taken on the responsibilities of managing my sons therapy each week he goes. Those first few weeks were so hard. I wanted to be there. To see, hear and know, but so does my husband. He’s a great dad and loves our son deeply, I have to trust him.

Then I started with a friend. I began to tell her what it was like, the ugly hard things on this journey. I sent texts when I was in despair and didn’t try and make the bad days look pretty. She knows me better than almost anyone and she prayed. She sent encouraging words. She checked in on me and told me to snap out of it when self pity poured in. She loves me, she loves my son, in trusting her I am able to both be loved and give love in a new way.

I started trusting those outside my circle. Teachers I didn’t know well, church volunteers I only knew from a distance, therapists who were new and unknown. If someone is able and willing to give their time and energy to work with my son, they deserve my respect. In respecting them for their own gifts and abilities I am learning to trust them.

I’d love to say that I’ve come to a calm place of being discerning and then more trusting when it comes to my son, but I haven’t. I still arrange special babysitting for him so a college sitter doesn’t get stuck in a bad situation, I still quickly engage teachers and volunteers and ask what they are doing with my son and judge if it’s what is best, I still get nervous when my husband takes my son to therapy and they are gone for hours.

Trust is a process. It requires me to bravely engage every single day with the people who love me and love my son. Trust begs me to fall to my knees and pray.

Pray for discernment. Pray for insight. Pray for the people who care for my son. Pray for faith. Pray for comfort from the great comforter and wisdom from the giver of life.

In saying I believe in God I have to trust that there are people in our life meant to be a part of our sons story.

We believe that our son is meant to be a lively member on this earth. If we are going to do our part to get there, we have to trust.

Trust requires us to be brave. Bravery requires us to have faith.

“Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we can not see.”

“Hope and sorrow in it all there’s rescue and there’s not.”

There’s Rescue: There are amazing people in our life that we can trust. My husband is totally involved, our sons teacher is going the extra mile to include our son, we have friends who have worked with children like our son who love him as their own, we have family who really do want the best for our son and willingly follow our lead to provide what he needs.

There’s Not: In my flesh I fall short. I let fear creep in, I push people out, I can let one bad experience taint weeks of interactions. Holding on to what I know to be true is a hard task.

Today I am thankful that there are people who still trust me and love me even when I have pushed them away. Greater love has no one than a friend who sacrifices himself for you.

Linking up with Unforced Rhythms today…

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