The First Day is the Worst Day

The first day home is hard.

I recently spent 7 months pouring myself into a contract job.

I knew it wasn’t forever (I have 3 kids, one on the way and a husband who travels for work, the reality of my life says living with balance and with my family’s best interest in mind, I don’t work full time!).

I knew it would end and I would return to the home that is a place of residence but also my current vocation. I knew, but the first day home is hard.

I did the school run, the meals, had a prenatal check up and I swung by my old desk to give the new person a hand. I went to the store, penned some words to sweet friends and even did some ordinary chores. Yet, I felt a little empty. A little lost.

As I waited for my son to dismiss from school I realized this is a somewhat sad reflection on the state of my heart today.

How much space did I let my job take up in my soul? Now that it is gone what is left? Did I spend any productive time in those busy months to be still, reflect and grow or did I just fill a void that really needs some attention?

In my best moments I remember that life comes down to knowing who you are and whose you are. In my best moments I live that out. In my best moments I know that being for God and doing for God and just doing are all very different things.

Yet in my human moments, I like to fill hard spaces with tangible evidence that I have worth. In my human moments I fall incredibly short of my own expectations (which speaks nothing of how I live up to what God wants for me.) In my human moments I’m reminded of how incredibly fallen I am.

If my Identity is truly in the One Above, my struggle to adjust to such great yet simple change should be rhythmic and life giving because I know I am not defined by the circumstances of my life today but by the life I am living for eternity.

For those in the midst of change, be human but remember grace. The first day is the hardest but grace presses on.

Today I am reminded of these beautiful lyrics by Jason Gray…

I am not who I was
I am being remade
I am new
I am chosen and holy
And I’m dearly loved
I am new

Forgiven beloved
Hidden in Christ
Made in the image of the Giver of Life
Righteous and holy
Reborn and remade
Accepted and worthy, this is our new name

This is who we are now…

Jason Gray
“I Am New”

PS – Back to blogging/reflecting/thinking out loud after a long break…thanks for stopping by 🙂

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