It was one of those mornings where it was just hard to get moving. I was having trouble being thankful for the new mercies I had been given in this new day and I heard myself say
“If only I knew what God wanted from me.”
My own thoughts caught me entirely off guard. Who was this person looking back at me in the mirror having these thoughts?
It was this moment that reminded me of those new mercies and the many things of life…
Sure, my confession of angst seems common, maybe even righteous, but it goes against the MANY things God has been teaching me.
If only is one of the most ungrateful statements that rolls off my lips.
We say it all the time…if only I had more space, if only I could work more, if only I had more time, if only…
Is what I have not enough? The clothes on my back, roof over my head, food on my table? One of my favorite anonymous quotes out there says “Someone is happy with less than what you have.” And it’s true.
My statement wasn’t a statement about stuff though. My statement was one of knowledge. If only I KNEW…
This is just as self serving and ungrateful as wanting stuff. Knowledge, while not a physical possession, is something that we tie value to. Knowing can make us feel powerful, in control, just like stuff can.
Standing in the new morning saying “If only I knew” was selfish. It was a reflection of my prideful, arrogant heart. I’m so thankful that in these moments God is gentle with me.
I know all I need to know in the present moment. God is, He loves me and His grace covers me. Is that not enough? When did His ultimate life giving sacrifice become small in my eyes and heart?
And yet even in this moment God chose to allow his love, wisdom and grace to prevail and lead me back to Him.
“What God Wants From Me”
I think of it now and I almost laugh like I do when one of my kids has a “duh” moment and catches themselves. What God wants from me. DUH.
It seems as if I have forgotten grace. DUH!
I am first reminded that there is NOTHING that I can give God to make Him want me or love me any more than he already does. NOTHING. His love for me is everlasting and perfect even in my darkest places.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
My heart begins to soften and joy begins to rise. I know what God wants from me.
He has shown you, O Mortal, what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy,
and to walk humbly with your God.
It’s the walking humbly part that really pierces me this time. I’m reminded of Noah who while famous because of floods and arks actually had a magnificent legacy with God. He walked with God for almost 600 years before God used him in a big way.
“This is the account of Noah and his family. Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked faithfully with God… Noah was 600 years old when the floodwaters came on the earth.” (Genesis 6:9, 7:6)
I am moved to confession, humility and joy. Today as each moment is dedicated to mercy and justice I first walk hand in hand with my Lord.
It is in that walk that I am reminded that I have everything I need and that whatever gifts I offer up to Him are ones given out of love and thanksgiving for all He has done for me.
With the if onlys and false offerings behind me I enter into today’s new mercies with thankfulness and joy.
“All is grace.” ~Ann Voskamp